Your personal guide to why Labour lost.

Hoping to explain the election outcome? Insert your own explanations to construct a reassuring account. Satisfaction guaranteed.

1. Why Labour lost.

Labour lost because it failed to appeal to [insert demographic of choice] who shop in [insert retail outlet of choice] and couldn’t persuade them that they would [insert priority of choice]. They should have apologised for [insert past mistake of choice] and talked more about [insert policy area of choice]. They should have taken the threat of [insert rival parties of choice] more seriously and been prepared to take on the vested interests of [insert hate-figure of choice]. Their leader was too [insert characteristic of choice].

Some suggestions in case you can’t come up with your own:

Disaffected working class people / aspirational middle class people / Scottish voters

Alldi / Tesco / Waitrose / John Lewis / the corner shop

Reverse austerity / manage the economy well / make life better / improve the weather

The Iraq war / spending too much / spending too little / not winning the 2006 world cup

Reducing inequality / encouraging enterprise / the environment / immigration / kittens

The SNP / UKIP / the Tories / godzilla

Media proprietors / the banks / the utility companies / the unions / public sector workers

Clever / nice / weird / left-wing / right-wing / clumsy

2. What Labour needs to do to win.

Labour needs a leader who is a brilliant communicator and a credible prime minister. The party needs to establish a strong message long before the next election, this needs to be based on core values of [insert value 1], [insert value 2] and [insert value 3]. The party needs to create new alliances and work more closely with [insert potential allies] and [insert potential allies].

Some suggestions in case you can’t come up with your own:

Equality / solidarity / aspiration / patriotism / wealth creation / selfishness

Greens / Liberal Democrats / progressives / trade unionists / monster raving loonies