The University of Nowhere

Announcement: April 1st 2017

As the United Kingdom launches the process of leaving the European Union with little clarity about its destination, a new kind of higher education provider launched today is set to re-define the university destination.

The University of Nowhere will break free from outdated notions of a university for either ‘somewhere’ or ‘anywhere’ and will specifically aspire to prepare its students to be ‘nowhere’. It’s mission will be truly aligned to an ‘exit’-ential paradigm, inspired by the Prime minister’s words: “If you are a citizen of the world you are a citizen of nowhere”.

Future citizens of Nowhere will absorb ‘nowhere’ values of sub-democracy, infra-equality, dislocated-universalism and dis-respect. They will be equipped with a toolkit of powerful ‘nowhere’ skills to help them achieve un-mastery, in-coherence and post-social dis-integration.

Aiming to be truly beyond-trend and well ahead of the curve, the university will help to establish a new zeitgeist for our post-diverse world, moving beyond thought-leadership – beyond thought itself. The university will be neither fact-factory nor wisdom-workshop but post-factual and un-wise.

Going forward, departments led by eminent professors Zamyatin, Huxley and Blair will specialise in the radical new disciplines of Fake News studies, Science Denial, Linguistic Obfuscation, Disruptive Logic and Fuzzy Innovation.

The project is a collaboration between the University of Poppleton (prop. Laurie Taylor at T.H.E.) and the Accademia San Seriffe, drawing on the degree awarding reputation of Chump University, North Virginia.

The university’s inspirational motto will be ‘Going Nowhere…Fast’

To facilitate communication, all teaching will be in the universal language of Esperanto.

Courses are open to all but please check the date of this announcement before applying.

See also: University Gold (October 2016)

About Eddie Playfair

Principal of Newham Sixth Form College (NewVIc) East London. Blogging about education, politics and culture in a personal capacity. I also tweet at @eddieplayfair
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3 Responses to The University of Nowhere

  1. nivekd says:

    Excellent – and great news on the day on which George Osborne’s new range of trendy hi-viz work wear was announced.
    And thanks for the introduction to Zamyatin – a definite addition to my reading list this year: I am a student on a University of Liverpool (near Somewhere) adult European literature class and next term we are looking in some depth at Russian/Soviet fiction from circa 1917,

    • Thanks Kevin. The university was hoping that Georgio would have time for a gig as visiting professor of Labour Market Intelligence specialising in problems of underemployment. But it’s now the 2nd of April so…

      • nivekd says:

        … so now it’s war with Spain. Something Of The Night continues his exploration of the surreal. Break out the Hemingway. Commission the Banksy Guernica.

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